"This is your captain speaking .."

Luggage is best stored, safely and securely, away from prying eyes and hearts of malcontent.

All personal baggage should be handled in this way: it is the sole responsibility of the owner to see to it that arrangements have been made for such due and proper care and handling.

Loosely stored and packaged arrangements are un-gamely, unsightly, and encourage indulgence and profligacy (as well as idle chatter).

Please make sure personal items are safely stowed away in their rightful compartments, ensuring a safe flight for all.

This can most readily be achieved by remaining seated, with your belt fastened at all times, so that no underpants are showing.

Gentlemen should pull their slacks up to the hips, covering the strap (advertising banner or not) of the underwear. Ladies, leggings are underwear: no part of any ungulate, be they odd- or even-toed, classifies as carry-on luggage.

Cursing is a profanity, whether face-to-face, through a hand-held electronic device, or out into the ether. Smoking is a health hazard as well as a fire danger. Both are strongly discouraged.

We trust you have a pleasant flight.